Living Through a Set Back

When a runner can’t run what does a runner do? A runner still lives. I know it seems crazy but nothing stops. The world still turns. Work still needs to be done and other runners still get to run. No one stops running because you can’t. Whether you would like them to or not. The world doesn’t stop.

At times it feels unfair. I had to boycott going onto Twitter, partly because it’s literally bad for my health, but also bad for my emotional state. Especially on a saturday or a sunday and read the “oh my god had an amazing 20 miler today #race #marathon #runnershigh” but this is life, and you still have to life through it all. As painful as it is at times and unfair it seems.

To say I am having a hard time not able to run is an understatement. Honestly, it isn’t so much not being able to run but it is the not able to do ANYTHING. Due to having post concussion syndrome it is fairly serious and imperative for me to get lots of rest and to not do much at all. Reading, writing, walking, running, lifting weights, watching TV, drinking alcohol, driving a car, shopping, texting etc. etc. etc, basically all that is good and fun and makes the days go by, are on the ‘do not do’ list.

Have I broken a few? Yes. I am writing this post, aren’t I? However, when I do break a few coupled with a few more and a few more, my symptoms come back and with a vengeance. As much as nausea, dizziness, headaches and outright confusion is fun in theory, it is downright scary when you forget who you are and you fall over just standing still.

I know having a concussion, and then it turning into PCS is not life threatening, but it is life debilitating. I do not fully feel like myself and haven’t felt like me since late August. I know others have it much worse and I shouldn’t complain about the hand that I was dealt for right now, but, it is hard to think things can get worse when you are in a low place mentally and physically.

Alan, being the amazing husband and supportive partner that he is, tried to cheer me up and found a Ted Talk about a woman, Jane McGonigal who had PCS. I started watching the 19 min talk and after about ten minutes into it I had a severe anxiety attack and emotional breakdown. Not because anything that she was saying was overly emotional but my emotional state is not great. Anxiety is horrible and I am overly emotional. Plus, what she was saying was that she was depressed and couldn’t do anything for almost a year. That hit so hard. I am over a month into this and cannot imagine going for 11 more months of the way that I am feeling. After I got over my breakdown, the next day, in a more emotional stable state I googled Jane McGonigal and found this Runners World article. Which caused a second emotional/anxiety attack. 9.5 months of no running? NO. THANK. YOU.

I know I am being smart and trying to heal as fast as possible. Do I think that I will have these symptoms and this condition for a year? Maybe, but realistically I am trying really hard to do everything right so that I wont. I am trying to listen to books on tape, I am trying to not text or read/watch/write etc. I am trying. I am trying cause I want to get better. I want to run, and I want to do everything else that this life has to offer. If anything, I will have learned through all of this, to not take the little things that I can do for granted. I will never regret a run that I will get to go on or be upset that it wasn’t as fast or as long as I would have liked. The sheer fact that I got to run will be something that I will be happy about and remember the time that I couldn’t run and all the people that are in the world that can’t run and wont be able to run. I will run for them and for my past self.