Happy New Year

I feel lame to write a post on New Years only because I have been so neglectful the past few weeks. Sorry! I would love to say I have been busy being awesome but that isn’t really true. Although, I’d like to think I was somewhat awesome at some points…

Anyways. It is 2014. Crazy. I am so ready for this year though. 2013 was hard in so many ways. I was really sick for a large portion of 2013. I also really doubted myself and what I could do with my life this year. It has been a struggle but feel like towards the end of the year I got my stride and started to really look towards the future instead of looking and living in the past.

This year I have set some, not goals, or resolutions, but themes maybe? A theme I have every year is to be better than the me I was last year. That encompasses a lot, I know. It means, to me at least, to be a better me at work, to be a better me in the gym, to be a better me to my husband and to my friends and to be a better me to my family.

Another theme I guess would be to work on my compassion, selfishness and patience. Growing up my mom always said, ‘don’t ever ask God to help you with your patience because he will definitely test you!’ It scared me. Every time I found myself wishing I was more patient I would run in the opposite direction, terrified that God would have heard my thoughts. Well. This year. I am ready. I need to be more patient with everyone and with myself. I need to also realize that my shit does stink. I don’t know the right way all the time. It is ok to ask for help and to always make time for myself by allowing myself guilt free time to work out and to improve on my fitness. I also need to not be so selfish and assume that everyone is always on my time schedule!

I also have some big fitness themes this year. I am taking the instructor training class to become a spin instructor and I would obviously love to get a job teaching spin classes. I also would like to train hard and PR in the half and find a balance between work, life, running, spinning and being a wife and a mom to the kids (yes, my two cats and dog are my kids.) It is so easy for me to fixate on only my fitness and neglect everything else. I need to find the balance and work hard to play hard.

Most importantly my theme is to never let a day go by that the people that are near and dear to me know that I love them with every ounce of my being. I don’t always show it. I haven’t always said it but I love these people more than they will ever know and I will try my hardest to show and be more vocal this year and the years to come.

With that – Happy New Years and I hope 2014 treats you well.

Black Friday

I am not a black friday shopper. at all. I think it is a crazy marketing ploy to get people out and buy things that they don’t need or even want.  So basically like any other ‘holiday’ in America! They mask really crappy products as great deals. People stand in line, are rude, shoving others, cutting people off and in the most severe cases, trampling on people to get what they think is a good deal. It is honestly a little disgusting in my book.

Once, and only once I partook in black friday shopping. I went with my brother when we were both home from college. We woke up early and drove to the big box stores in the neighboring town and after a few minutes we looked at each other and decided we were over it. Never did it again. It was awkward, and disgusting how others acted during the wee hours of the morning the day after they went around the table saying what they were thankful for in their lives.

Black Friday, in my life is a relaxing day to recover from cooking and cleaning from the day before. I typically will go for a run, sleep in, stay in PJs all day. Basically be a slug.

I one upped my typical black friday schedule by signing up for a two hour spin class. Insert the ‘oh my gods’ and the ‘what if i die’ thoughts. It was super intense but it was amazing to sweat so much. After a day of doing everything I can for everyone else, it was nice to be selfish and take two hours for myself. There is nothing like sweating out all the negative feelings, tensions and social anxieties that you had been holding on to.

After the class I went to the adjoining business – a frozen yogurt shop and got their greek yogurt with fresh fruit. Oh my did that hit the spot.  It was the most anti black friday outing I have ever had and it was perfect for this year, and where I am at in my life. I get a lot of heat for putting myself, exercise and my health above other things. In the end, you only have yourself and if you are lucky a few people who ‘get it’ and get you. There was no other way that I would have wanted to spend my Friday mid afternoon.  After I got home Alan and I hung out for a bit and then he got to be selfish with his time and played some video games while i showered and relaxed the rest of the day.

Perfect Friday for sure!

1000miles

I hit my goal of reaching 1,000 miles for the year. So excited. I did it today, on a cold, windy day with my sole sister and Sirius. No better way than to reach my goal, and to go over it then to achieve it with her right by my side!

Time Flies

So, the last time I posted anything was 11 days ago. I used to be so diligent about posting and keeping up to date on the blog but it seems the days are getting shorter and my life is getting more boring. Or at least I can’t think of anything fun to really write about right now.

I am still slowly trying to run more – hence the low mileage again for this month. I am keeping my cardio and endurance up by taking Body Pump classes three times a week and have rekindled my love with spinning in such a deep way -spinning 3-4+ times a week. I even signed up to take the spin instructor training class that is being held in February so that I can teach a spin class in the future. Super excited about that!

Aside from that – not much is going on. Getting ready for the holidays and the cold/snow/sleet/slush/darkness that comes along with winter in Vermont. Working from home will hopefully make it a little more bearable.  Scraping off my car in the dark, early morning was never very much fun.

I hope to be able to write a post about some high mileage in the near future. I miss feeling the wind on my face for hours at a time. That is definitely a feeling you do not get in a spin studio!

 

Getting Back on Track

Crazy to think that I am still not fully 100% recovered yet, but I am so much closer and feel like I am about 95% there.

Running, for some reason still sometimes bothers me. Which may, or may not be mental but I’m working on it. To supplement my running and to get into a regular routine – I love my routines, I have been going to my body pump class at least three times a week like the good old days. I also have been taking a few spin classes. I started out going once a week, then twice and now through the end of November I will be taking at least three a week. BOOM. That should help my endurance despite not running too much.

However, I can’t stay on the sidelines forever, nor do I want to. I am so tired of spectating races I should be PRing in. I am committed to really pushing my boundaries to figure out if its my mind that is holding me back, or…wait, that saying doesn’t really work right when you have head trauma. But anyways, I need to figure out if its my injury that is still lingering and only revealing itself when I run or if I am just so scared to push. I am terrified of reverting back to where I was that i could be subconsciously getting the same symptoms that i was when i was in the thick of it all. These next few weeks I hope to have a definitive answer and get back to doing what I love the most. I can’t wait to incorporate running in with my body pump and spin schedule. With those three things, this will be the spring/year of PRs. Cannot wait for racing season 2014! Redemption year!

Easing Back

So It’s been a while since my last post. I figured writing multiple posts of “I can’t do anything and I am really bored and cranky” wouldn’t be entertaining for anyone. However, things have been improving and I am able to do most of my normal daily activities now. I am still really careful with running, as the jarring seems to still bother me a bit, but I can feel I am improving every day. I am able to do body pump classes again and have been going twice a week and today I did my longest run since September 14th (the day of the Charlotte Half race when this all started) today, 5 miles. Might not seem like a lot, and compared to full marathon mode that I was in, it isn’t, but it is 5 miles more than I was able to do a month ago! I am happy with the improvements and never, ever, ever want to hit my head ever again!

 

2 Miles

I got to run 2 miles. I ran a full mile at a VERY SLOW, VERY conservative pace and then i walked .25 miles and then ran the .75. Yes, It might have been slow. Yes, I took a break in between, but I RAN!

Living Through a Set Back

When a runner can’t run what does a runner do? A runner still lives. I know it seems crazy but nothing stops. The world still turns. Work still needs to be done and other runners still get to run. No one stops running because you can’t. Whether you would like them to or not. The world doesn’t stop.

At times it feels unfair. I had to boycott going onto Twitter, partly because it’s literally bad for my health, but also bad for my emotional state. Especially on a saturday or a sunday and read the “oh my god had an amazing 20 miler today #race #marathon #runnershigh” but this is life, and you still have to life through it all. As painful as it is at times and unfair it seems.

To say I am having a hard time not able to run is an understatement. Honestly, it isn’t so much not being able to run but it is the not able to do ANYTHING. Due to having post concussion syndrome it is fairly serious and imperative for me to get lots of rest and to not do much at all. Reading, writing, walking, running, lifting weights, watching TV, drinking alcohol, driving a car, shopping, texting etc. etc. etc, basically all that is good and fun and makes the days go by, are on the ‘do not do’ list.

Have I broken a few? Yes. I am writing this post, aren’t I? However, when I do break a few coupled with a few more and a few more, my symptoms come back and with a vengeance. As much as nausea, dizziness, headaches and outright confusion is fun in theory, it is downright scary when you forget who you are and you fall over just standing still.

I know having a concussion, and then it turning into PCS is not life threatening, but it is life debilitating. I do not fully feel like myself and haven’t felt like me since late August. I know others have it much worse and I shouldn’t complain about the hand that I was dealt for right now, but, it is hard to think things can get worse when you are in a low place mentally and physically.

Alan, being the amazing husband and supportive partner that he is, tried to cheer me up and found a Ted Talk about a woman, Jane McGonigal who had PCS. I started watching the 19 min talk and after about ten minutes into it I had a severe anxiety attack and emotional breakdown. Not because anything that she was saying was overly emotional but my emotional state is not great. Anxiety is horrible and I am overly emotional. Plus, what she was saying was that she was depressed and couldn’t do anything for almost a year. That hit so hard. I am over a month into this and cannot imagine going for 11 more months of the way that I am feeling. After I got over my breakdown, the next day, in a more emotional stable state I googled Jane McGonigal and found this Runners World article. Which caused a second emotional/anxiety attack. 9.5 months of no running? NO. THANK. YOU.

I know I am being smart and trying to heal as fast as possible. Do I think that I will have these symptoms and this condition for a year? Maybe, but realistically I am trying really hard to do everything right so that I wont. I am trying to listen to books on tape, I am trying to not text or read/watch/write etc. I am trying. I am trying cause I want to get better. I want to run, and I want to do everything else that this life has to offer. If anything, I will have learned through all of this, to not take the little things that I can do for granted. I will never regret a run that I will get to go on or be upset that it wasn’t as fast or as long as I would have liked. The sheer fact that I got to run will be something that I will be happy about and remember the time that I couldn’t run and all the people that are in the world that can’t run and wont be able to run. I will run for them and for my past self.

Head Case

Not sure if I mentioned this on here or not and am too lazy to really look, but a few weeks ago I got a concussion. It factored into dropping from the full to the half for the fact that for about a week I couldn’t run due to the head injury. Well, I guess I pushed it too much by working too long of hours last week, not resting enough and trying to run the little bit that I have cause I was at the doctors two days ago. They told me to take some serious brain rest.

I knew during and after the 1/2 on Saturday I pushed it too much. Not necessarily the pace but I could just tell that I wasn’t ‘fine’. I got dizzy while running and then afterwards that day and the next couple of days I was off. Dizzy, confused and just all around not in a right state. Hence, going to the doctors on Tuesday.

Since Tuesday I had to take the rest of the week off from work, cannot run for about a week, and literally just have to stay in bed and not do anything. Writing this post is probably considered over-exerting my brain. oops.

It is really hard to do nothing. It sounds great in theory but when you are doing it, it is, well, boring. No TV, cannot read, cannot write/type, nothing. I downloaded an audio book and just cannot get into it. I am not an audible learner. I need to read and touch and do to learn and understand. I feel like I am hearing the book but couldn’t tell you really what it is about or what is going on. Really hoping that today is my last day of complete brain rest and hoping that i can incorporate more activities tomorrow. Like maybe watch something on the tv. I am not holding my breath though. Alan heard everything that the doctor said and he is really holding me to the doctors orders. I guess that is a good sign of a loving husband but right now it is such a pain!

Please pray for my sanity these next few days!

Week 13 – Smuttynose 1/2

Notice the new weekly title. It’s official. In case you missed it here.  So needless to say I am not really following the marathon plan too well. Which is good considering this week at work was INSANE. Like 11 hours straight, not lunch break, not even a pee break kind of day! Not too much running happened at all until Thursday so we’ll skip right to that day!

Thursday 9.12 – 1 mile walk and then a 4 mile run with Sirius in the rain. Felt great to be out running again after a solid week of not running. Felt great to get my legs going and to turn them over at a quick cadence every so often. I didn’t wear my garmin. I knew exactly the loop I was going to do and how long it is and just wanted a stress free, fun run with my dog! Success!

Friday 9.13 – rest – Getting really good at resting

Saturday 9.14 – 13.1 miles. I did the Charlotte Covered bridge half today. 2:12:10 is my Garmin time. Not sure what the official time is for the race.

Sunday 9.15 – 4 mile shakeout with Chris. Nice, easy, Garminless run

Total for 22 miles this week. Not a stellar week but not the worst either. I think I am still having a lot of residual effects from my concussion from several weeks ago and hoping that the dizziness and confusion go away soon!